It has been difficult to get the words sensibly arranged. The bits float in bobbing.
Marshall Rosenberg thirty, thirty-five years ago spoke in Seattle about NVC, non violent communication. His presentation lured into attending a couple workshops. I have no notion of mastery but his ideas are slaps alongside my head. Asking is there another way of looking at things
Catharine did more. She kept Rosenberg’s ideas alive. Repeatedly she modeled the four step communication model: observations, feelings, needs, and requests.
Figuring out how to make this model work had me full of yes/buts. Expressing the four steps is simple. But incorporating is challenging.
Not familiar with NVC? Marshall’s ideas can help us reflect and see things differently.
Marshal Rosenberg Said…
Nonviolent Communication holds that most conflicts between individuals or groups arise from miscommunication about their human needs, due to coercive or manipulative language that aims to induce fear, guilt, shame, etc. These “violent” modes of communication, when used during a conflict, divert the attention of the participants away from clarifying their needs, their feelings, their perceptions, and their requests, thus perpetuating the conflict.
To Break The Cycle
When we combine observation with evaluation, people are apt to hear criticism.”
Unfortunately, most of us have never been taught to think in terms of needs. We are accustomed to thinking about what’s wrong with other people when our needs aren’t being fulfilled. Thus, if we want coats to be hung up in the closet, we may characterize our children as lazy for leaving them on the couch. Or we may interpret our co-workers as being irresponsible when they don’t go about their tasks as we would prefer them to.
The tension we are in control of our feelings. We are in control so buck up you brought this on yourself. We are responsible for what we do with our feelings. Stop giving power to the illusion. The enlightened see things differently.
More From Marshal
Never do anything that isn’t play.
Avoid ‘shoulding’ on others and yourself!
Ask before offering advice or reassurance.
Use anger as a wake-up call to unmet needs.
When we are angry, killing people is too superficial.
Please Pause “ killing…to superficial”
Don’t hate the circumstance, you may miss the blessing
The more we talk about the past, the less we heal from it.
Plans to exact retribution are never going to make us safer.
Enemy images are the main reason conflicts don’t get resolved.
At the root of every tantrum and power struggle are unmet needs.
The number one rule of our training is empathy before education.
Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing.
I would like to suggest that when our heads are filled with judgments and analyses that others are bad, greedy, irresponsible, lying, cheating, polluting the environment, valuing profit more than life, or behaving in other ways they shouldn’t, very few of them will be interested in our needs. If we want to protect the environment, and we go to a corporate executive with the attitude, “You know, you are really a killer of the planet, you have no right to abuse the land in this way,” we have severely impaired our chances of getting our needs met. It is a rare human being who can maintain focus on our needs when we are expressing them through images of their wrongness.